44 Jazz Musician Jokes that Only Musicians Find Funny

I grew up in a family of musicians, and self-deprecating musician humor was a favorite around the dinner table. Here are my top 40 jazz musician jokes that only musicians understand, or at least find amusing. I started off the list with the jokes I learned from my parents and went on to add the ones I learned along the way. I left off the really stupid ones - you're welcome. If any of these make sense to you, you might be a huge music nerd.

*Warning: disproportionately offensive to drummers (sorry guys).

1. Did you hear the one about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

It took him 45 minutes to get the drummer out.

2. A guy left his accordion in the back seat...

When he got back to his car, the window was broken, and there were 2 accordions inside.

3. How do you get a guitarist to turn down?

Put a chart in front of him.

4. How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The piano player can just do it with her left hand.

5. How do you get 2 oboes to play a minor second?

Write unison.

6. What do you call a trombone player with a cell phone?

Optimistic.

7. What's the difference between a guitar player and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

8. What's the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

9. What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?

"The Defendant"

10. How many singers does it take to screw in a bulb?

Just the one - she holds it up and the world revolves around her.

11. A kid says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a musician."

She replied: "I'm sorry honey, but you can't do both."

12. What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

13. What does a drummer have in common with a philosopher?

They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

14. Everyone told Beethoven that he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

15. What do you call that guy that hangs out with the musicians?

The drummer.

16. How do you get to carnegie hall?

Practice.

17. How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

18. What's the difference between a pianist and God?

God doesn't think he's a pianist.

19. How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Six folk singers. One to change the lightbulb and five to sing about how good the old one was.

20. What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

No one cries when you chop a banjo.

21. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Drool.

22. What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?

About 3 decibels.

23. How do you prevent your violin from being stolen?

Keep it in a viola case.

24. What's the difference between a jazz musician and a rock musician?

The rock musician plays 3 chords for 10,000 people, and the jazz musician plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.

25. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a viola?

Vibrato.

26. What is a Glissando?

A technique invented by string players to get through difficult runs.

27. How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

28. How do you improve the aerodynamics on a trombonist's car?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

29. How do you get a guitarist off of your porch?

Pay him and take the pizza.

30. How many guitar players does it to take to change a lightbulb?

Five guitar players. One guitar player to change the lightbulb and four to say they could have done it better.

31. How do you know a gentleman?

It's someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

32. A young boy started taking bass lessons...

He came home after his first lesson. His dad was in the kitchen waiting for him. "What did you learn in your first lesson, son?" the father asked. The son replied, "The first lesson was great! I learned how to play the E string!"

The next week, the boy came home after his second lesson. His dad was in the kitchen waiting for him. "What did you learn in your second lesson, son?" the father asked. The son replied, "The second lesson was great! I learned how to play the A string!"

The following week the child did not come home. The father was sick with worry. Finally, the child came home at 2:00 am. “Where have you been? I have been worried sick!” shouted the boy's father... The son answered, “I had a gig."

33. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?

Apparently all of them.

34. Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven...

He said to the first person in line, "What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a surgeon," said the man.

Saint Peter replied, "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates."

"What did you do on Earth?" he asked the second person in line.

"I was a school teacher."

"Good .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?" he asked the third person in line.

"I was a musician."

"Great. You can load in through the kitchen."

35. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

36. A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club...

The place is packed and they are a huge hit. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other then the club owner, and then the trombone player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"

37. How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?

It's the kid who spends the whole time on the slide and can't swing.

38. What's the range of a tuba?

About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

39. How can you tell when a bass player is knocking at your door?

It drags.

40. How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at your door?

He rushes.

41. How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?

By starting with 2 million dollars.

42. What's the difference between a bassoon and an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

43. A couple starts going to couple's therapy...

They want to work out their problems, but no matter what the therapist does, they just won't communicate. Week after week the therapist struggles to get them to speak to each other. Then one week the therapist brings a bass player to the session. The bass player starts soloing, and the couple starts talking, working things out. At the end of the session they ask the therapist what the bass player was doing there. The therapist says "everyone talks during the bass solo."

How many of these did you understand? If the answer is more than five, it might be time for a day job. 😂