I grew up in a family of musicians, and self-deprecating musician humor was a favorite around the dinner table. Here are my top 40 jazz musician jokes that only musicians understand, or at least find amusing. I started off the list with the jokes I learned from my parents and went on to add the ones I learned along the way. I left off the really stupid ones - you're welcome. If any of these make sense to you, you might be a huge music nerd.
*Warning: disproportionately offensive to drummers (sorry guys).
It took him 45 minutes to get the drummer out.
When he got back to his car, the window was broken, and there were 2 accordions inside.
Put a chart in front of him.
None. The piano player can just do it with her left hand.
A pizza can feed a family of 4.
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
Just the one - she holds it up and the world revolves around her.
She replied: "I'm sorry honey, but you can't do both."
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
But did he listen?
No one knows, no one ever looks at him.
God doesn't think he's a pianist.
Six folk singers. One to change the lightbulb and five to sing about how good the old one was.
No one cries when you chop a banjo.
About 3 decibels.
Keep it in a viola case.
The rock musician plays 3 chords for 10,000 people, and the jazz musician plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.
A technique invented by string players to get through difficult runs.
They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Pay him and take the pizza.
Five guitar players. One guitar player to change the lightbulb and four to say they could have done it better.
It's someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
He came home after his first lesson. His dad was in the kitchen waiting for him. "What did you learn in your first lesson, son?" the father asked. The son replied, "The first lesson was great! I learned how to play the E string!"
The next week, the boy came home after his second lesson. His dad was in the kitchen waiting for him. "What did you learn in your second lesson, son?" the father asked. The son replied, "The second lesson was great! I learned how to play the A string!"
The following week the child did not come home. The father was sick with worry. Finally, the child came home at 2:00 am. “Where have you been? I have been worried sick!” shouted the boy's father... The son answered, “I had a gig."
Apparently all of them.
He said to the first person in line, "What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon," said the man.
Saint Peter replied, "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates."
"What did you do on Earth?" he asked the second person in line.
"I was a school teacher."
"Good .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?" he asked the third person in line.
"I was a musician."
"Great. You can load in through the kitchen."
To get away from the bassoon recital.
The place is packed and they are a huge hit. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other then the club owner, and then the trombone player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"
It's the kid who spends the whole time on the slide and can't swing.
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
By starting with 2 million dollars.
The bassoon burns longer.
They want to work out their problems, but no matter what the therapist does, they just won't communicate. Week after week the therapist struggles to get them to speak to each other. Then one week the therapist brings a bass player to the session. The bass player starts soloing, and the couple starts talking, working things out. At the end of the session they ask the therapist what the bass player was doing there. The therapist says "everyone talks during the bass solo."
How many of these did you understand? If the answer is more than five, it might be time for a day job. 😂